Qui Tacet Consentit (Silence consents) ================= Einfach Geschmacklos (Tasteless but Simple) ================= Never attribute to Malice that which may be explained by Stupidity ================= To code the impossible code, To bring up a virgin machine, To pop out of endless recursion, To grok what appears on the screen. To right the unrightable bug, To endlessly twiddle and thrash, To mount the unmountable magtape, To stop the unstoppable crash! (To the tune of "The Impossible Dream") ================= /* * people making love * never exactly the same * just like a snowflake */ --- expreserve.c ================= Amidst the mists and freezing frosts With surest jests and stoutest boasts He thrusts his fists against the posts And still insists he sees the ghosts. ================= There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives. ================= Flappity, floppity, flip The mouse on the mobius strip The strip resolved The mouse dissolved In a chronodimensional skip (from "A Space Child's Mother Goose" by Frederick Winsor) ================= ACHTUNG Das machine ist nicht fur gerfingerpoken und mittengraben. Ist easy schnappen der pringenwerk, blowenfusen, und poppencorken mit spitzensparken. Ist nicht fur gewerken by das dumkopfen, das rubbernecken sightseeren keepen hands in der pockets, relaxen und watchen der blinkenlights. ================= A dozen, a gross, and a score, Plus three times the square root of four, Divided by seven, Plus five times eleven, Equals nine squared plus zero, no more. ================ A language that doesn't affect the way you think about programming is not worth knowing. A language that doesn't have everything is actually easier to program in than some that do. -- Dennis M. Ritchie ================ A Plan for the Improvement of English Spelling by Mark Twain For example, in Year 1 that useless letter "c" would be dropped to be replased either by "k" or "s", and likewise "x" would no longer be part of the alphabet. The only kase in which "c" would be retained would be the "ch" formation, which will be dealt with later. Year 2 might reform "w" spelling, so that "which" and "one" would take the same konsonant, wile Year 3 might well abolish "y" replasing it with "i" and Iear 4 might fiks the "g/j" anomali wonse and for all. Jenerally, then, the improvement would kontinue iear bai iear with Iear 5 doing awai with useless double konsonants, and Iears 6-12 or so modifaiing vowlz and the rimeining voist and unvoist konsonants. Bai Iear 15 or sou, it wud fainali bi posibl tu meik ius ov thi ridandant letez "c", "y" and "x" -- bai now jast a memori in the maindz ov ould doderez -- tu riplais "ch", "sh", and "th" rispektivli. Fainali, xen, aafte sam 20 iers ov orxogrefkl riform, wi wud hev a lojikl, kohirnt speling in ius xrewawt xe Ingliy-spiking werld. ================ THEORY Into love and out again, Thus I went and thus I go. Spare your voice, and hold your pen: Well and bitterly I know All the songs were ever sung, All the words were ever said; Could it be, when I was young, Someone dropped me on my head? -- Dorothy Parker =============== I will be speaking today about work in progress, instead of completed research. This was not my original intention when I chose the subject of this lecture, but I did not get my computer programs working in time. -- Donald Knuth, Mathematical Topography =============== "That's very interesting, Mr. Lovecraft, and very well put too, I might add, but I think we're looking for something a little different here at VANITY FAIR." =============== Smith, where Jones had had "had", had had "had had"; "had had" had had the examiner's approval. =============== FYI - a "wahka" is the decidedly "proper" (by popular vote) name for the characters ">" and "<". This is in spite of INFOCUS readers of Denver who still refer to them as "Norkies". The Michigan crowd apparently has corrupted the spelling to "waka". <>!*''# ^@`$$- !*'$_ %*<>#4 &)../ |{~~SYSTEM HALTED =============== "Although robust enough for general use, adventures into the esoteric periphery of the C shell may reveal unexpected quirks." -- /usr/man/man4.03/man1/csh.1 =============== I went on to test the program in every way I could devise. I strained it to expose its weaknesses. I ran it for high-mass stars and low-mass stars, for stars born exceedingly hot and those born relatively cold. I ran it assuming the superfluid currents beneath the crust to be absent -- not because I wanted to know the answer, but because I had developed an intuitive feel for the answer in this particular case. Finally I got a run in which the computer showed the pulsar's temperature to be less than absolute zero. I had found an error. I chased down the error and fixed it. Now I had improved the program to the point where it would not run at all. -- George Greenstein, "Frozen Star: Of Pulsars, Black Holes and the Fate of Stars" =============== FROB, TWIDDLE, and TWEAK sometimes connote points along a continuum. FROB connotes aimless manipulation; TWIDDLE connotes gross manipulation, often a coarse search for a proper setting; TWEAK connotes fine-tuning. If someone is turning a knob on an oscilloscope, then if he's carefully adjusting it he is probably tweaking it; if he is just turning it but looking at the screen he is probably twiddling it; but if he's just doing it because turning a knob is fun, he's frobbing it. =============== One of the questions that comes up all the time is: How enthusiastic is our support for UNIX? Unix was written on our machines and for our machines many years ago. Today, much of UNIX being done is done on our machines. Ten percent of our VAXs are going for UNIX use. UNIX is a simple language, easy to understand, easy to get started with. It's great for students, great for somewhat casual users, and it's great for interchanging programs between different machines. And so, because of its popularity in these markets, we support it. We have good UNIX on VAX and good UNIX on PDP-11s. It is our belief, however, that serious professional users will run out of things they can do with UNIX. They'll want a real system and will end up doing VMS when they get to be serious about programming. With UNIX, if you're looking for something, you can easily and quickly check that small manual and find out that it's not there. With VMS, no matter what you look for -- it's literally a five-foot shelf of documentation -- if you look long enough it's there. That's the difference -- the beauty of UNIX is it's simple; and the beauty of VMS is that it's all there. -- Ken Olsen, President of DEC, 1984 (FYI: first printing of 4.2 BSD manuals July 1984) =============== The Briggs/Chase Law of Program Development: To determine how long it will take to write and debug a program, take your best estimate, multiply that by two, add one, and convert to the next higher units. =============== I think I've got the hang of it now .... :w :q :wq :wq! ^d X exit X Q :quitbye CtrlAltDel ~~q :~q logout save/quit :!QUIT ^[zz ^[ZZ ZZZZ ^H ^@ ^L ^[c ^# ^E ^X ^I ^T ? help helpquit ^D ^d ^C ^c help exit ?Quit ?q anybackbone!sequent!edw edw@sequent.COM KA9AHQ 28.340 =============== The Golden Errno Rule: He who inspects errno before a system call returns failure shall be buried before he is dead. -- brnstnd@kramden.acf.nyu.edu (Dan Bernstein) =============== comp.unix.questions From: apl@world.std.com (Anthony P Lawrence) Subject: Re: Your favorite mysterious error messages, please In-Reply-To: jerry@ora.ora.com's message of Sat, 06 Jul 1991 14: 49:12 GMT How about "Shut her down-the system is sucking mud!" This came from Radio Shack Xenix on their Model 16 system, and caused a rather excited phone call from a Lawyer client who wanted me to know that he did not appreciate my immature sense of humour, and his system was totally dead, damn it! It took some talking to convince him that the message was NOT mine... =============== Never offend people with style when you can offend them with substance. -- Sam Brown, in "Washington Post," 1977 =============== Censorship, like charity, should begin at home, but unlike charity, it should end there. -- Clare Boothe Luce =============== Ah, this reminds me of a joke. Once upon a time, a white Jewish man was in Hong Kong on a business trip. On his second day in town, he had to attend services for Yom Kippur (the Day of Atonement, one of the most important holidays in Judaism). Unfortunately, getting to the synagogue took longer than he expected, so that by the time he arrived, it was almost sunset (the time that services begin--as you can see, this joke is closed-captioned for the davening-impaired). He pounded on the door, and after a few minutes, a Chinese man opened it. "You cannot enter," the Chinese man said. "Very sorry. Come back another day." The white man jammed his foot in the door. "No! I must come in. It's very important!" "Cannot. Religious service almost starting. Come back another day." "That's why I want to come in!" "*Jewish* religious service. Only Jews can enter." "Yes! Yes! Yes! I want to join the services, because *I* *am* *Jewish!*" "Oh," said the Chinese man. "You're *Jewish.*" He paused, contemplating the situation. "You don't *look* Jewish." -- :: Seth Gordon :: bloom-beacon!athena.mit.edu!sethg :: standard disclaimer :: =============== "Peter the flasher wanted to retire, but then decided to stick it out for another year..." --Stephen Seitz =============== Infinity is where things happen that don't. =============== Black holes are where God divided by zero. =============== Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb? A: Two. One to hold the giraffe and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly colored machine tools. =============== 25 Ways to Cope With Stress. 1. Jam miniature marshmallows up your nose and sneeze them out. See how many you can do at a time. 2. Use your Mastercard to pay your Visa and vice-versa. 3. Pop some popcorn without putting the lid on. 4. When someone says "have a nice day", tell them you have other plans. 5. Make a list of things to do that you have already done. 6. Dance naked in front of your pets. 7. Put your toddler's clothes on backwards and send him to pre-school as if nothing is wrong. 8. Fill out your tax form using Roman Numerals. 9. Tape pictures of you boss on watermelons and launch them from high places. 10. Leaf through "National Geographic" and draw underwear on the natives. 11. Tattoo "Out to Lunch" on your forehead. 12. Go shopping. Buy everything. Sweat in it. Return it the next day. 13. Buy a subscription to "Sleazoid Weekly" and send it to your boss's wife. 14. Pay your electric bill in pennies. 15. Drive to work in reverse. 16. Make rude faces at yourself in the mirror. 17. Tell your boss to "blow it out your mule" and let him figure it out. 18. Sit naked on a shelled hard-boiled egg. 19. Polish your car with ear-wax. 20. Read the dictionary upside down and look for secret messages. 21. Start a nasty rumor and see if you recognize it when it comes back to you. 22. Braid the hairs in each nostril. 23. Write a short story using alphabet soup. 24. Stare at people through the tines of a fork and pretend they're in jail. 25. Make a language up and ask people for directions in it. =============== The Humpty Dumpty School of Definitions. =============== It may be that your whole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others. =============== At Acme Bank and Trust, you're not just a number. You're three numbers, a hyphen, four other numbers, a letter, and still another number! =============== Csh for the users doomed to give in Sed for the programmers looking in /bin Awk for the hackers who make users cower Perl for the wizards who hold the true power One Kludge to rule them all, One Kludge to find them, One Kludge to bring them all, And in the darkness bind them In the land of *NIX where the shadows lie Found in the .plan of mkgray@athena.mit.edu =============== You fill a much needed gap. =============== ACRONYM -- A Contrived Reduction Of Nomenclature Yielding Mnemonics. =============== "May your life amuse the gods." "That is not a greeting I have encountered before." "Would you prefer the hazards of boring them?" "Indeed, when you express the matter like that, I see the wisdom in it." ("Reaver Road" by Dave Duncan) =============== Three Prayers to Bree Amal Goddess of Keepers of Disorderly Houses May These Events Not Involve Thy Servant. May These Events Not Cost Thy Servant Money. May These Events Leave No Trace of Themselves in Thy Servant's Memory. (from the Liavek shared world stories, found in "Casting Fortune" by John M. Ford) =============== "Where is the wisdom? Lost in the knowledge. Where is the knowledge? Lost in the information." -- T.S. Eliot "Where is the information? Lost in the data. Where is the data? Lost in the #@$%?!& database." -- Joe Celko =============== Furious activity is no substitute for understanding. -- H. H. Williams =============== If your software is slow (e.g., doing a garbage collection), don't worry and just print, "NFS server not responding". --On white board in Wisconsin CS Lounge =============== It's been a bloody odd day.... not even a two plus two equals five kind of day, more like two plus two equals ... fish ... or something. -- from 'Cages' =============== Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while. =============== /\_/\ - - = ^ = ( ) ( ) ) ) ) =============== Paranoids are people too; they have their own problems. It's easy to criticize, but if everyone hated you, you'd be paranoid too! ----------------------- Just because you're paranoid, doesn't mean they aren't out to get you! ----------------------- When everything you say is a non sequitor, it's impossible to be taken out of context! ----------------------- "People make me pro-nuclear." - a Comedienne Logic is an organized way of going wrong with confidence. Ketterling's Law "I find your lack of faith disturbing." - Darth Vader "Life is anything that dies when you stomp on it." - Dave Barry "A small mind is a tidy mind." Brazil "Put a tiger in your tank. And while you're at it, why not toss in a few dead otters?" "Exxon" "Drink to me only with thine eyes." - Benjamin Franklin "Fly on, Pontius, if that really is your name." - Guy Grand "Better latent than never." ? "You see, there are two kinds of people in the world, my friend. Those with loaded guns, and those who dig..... You dig." - "Blondie" from The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly "Electricity comes from other planets." - Lou Rawls "Love is like a snowmobile speeding across the tundra, which suddenly overturns, pinning you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come." - Life in Hell "I am one of you. I am sane!" - Mental Patient in The Big Red One "Never turn your back on an unemployed clown." - Evil Clown Comics "Autumn is my favorite season in Los Angeles, watching the birds change color and fall from the trees." - David Letterman "If I jumped every time a light came on around here, I'd end up talking to myself." - Dr. McCoy, to himself "I used to think the brain was the most wonderful organ in the body. Then I realized who was telling me that." -- Emo Phillips. "Let them look impatient, I'm immortal." - Mr.Wizard from a Roleplaying game "If it had gone the way it was supposed to, it would have been perfect." - B.A.T.F. spokeswoman regarding the botched attempt to arrest David Koresh while on CNN :-) ----------------------- Well, it's finally happened: Newton jokes are hitting the networks. This one was sent to me this weekend. Your humor mileage may vary. Q: How many Newtons does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: Foux! There to eat lemons, axe gravy soup. ------------------------ That is Kaplan? That is K, as in Knife? A, as in Aardvark? P, as in Pneumonia? L, as in Luscious? A, as in Aardvark, again? N, as in Newel Post? Kaplan? -TELEPHONE, Mike Nichols and Elaine May ------------------------ =============== Things are more like they are now than they have ever been. Better isn't always better, but better is always different. Although the moon is less than half the size of the earth, it is more than twice as far away. It's much easier now that I know how it works. Things were all so different before everything changed. =============== A bird in the hand gathers no moss. Does one hand clapping in a forest make a noise? Don't count your bridges before they're crossed. A rolling stone gathers smashed objects in its path. There's more than one way to skin a knee. Four out of five doctors recommend another doctor. Anything is impossible. What's right or wrong depends on which end of the food chain you're on. To paraphrase the old adage: The man with one timezone is always sure of what time it is. But give that man daylight savings time and he'll always be confused. Pessimists usually get pleasant suprises. You are a unique individual, just like everone else. Unix is user friendly, it's just not promiscuous about who it gets friendly with. [button] If you think C++ is not overly complicated, just what is a "protected abstract virtual base pure virtual private destructor" and when was the last time you needed one? -- DDJ Dec 1992 "The big print giveth and the small print taketh away." - Tom Waits If you were to make a joke about how lots of up-tight, anal-retentive, politically-correct people like to sue when they feel that they have been slandered, would you get sued by a lot of up-tight, anal-retentive, politically-correct people? "Some people are unable to experience even the slightest of life's pleasures without being thrown into frenzies of analysis." -- P.J. O'Rourke The first piece of luggage out of the chute doesn't belong to anyone, ever. There is nothing more difficult to carry out, nor more doubtful of success, nor more dangerous to handle, than to initiate a new order of things. For the reformer has enemies in all who profit by the old order, and only lukewarm defenders in all those who would profit by the new order. This quality of lukewarmness arises partly from a fear of adversaries, who have the law on their side, and partly from the incredulity of mankind, who do not truly believe in anything new until they have had actual experience of it. Machiavelli, "The Prince", 1513 =============== THIRTY THOUGHTS TO GET YOU THROUGH ALMOST ANY CRISIS Indecision is the key to flexibility. There is always one more son-of-a-bitch than you counted on. If you ever find something you like, buy a lifetime supply because they will soon stop making it. All things being equal, fat people use more soap. You can't tell which way the train went by looking at the tracks. Be kind; everyone you meet is fighting a tough battle. This is as bad as it can get--but don't bet on it. There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends. Happiness is merely the remission of pain. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be. Sometimes too much drink is not enough. The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant. The world gets a little better every day and worse in the evening. The careful application of terror is also a form of communication. Not one shred of evidence exists in favor of the idea that life is serious. Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast in the real world. Things are more like they are today than they have ever been before. The other line always moves faster until you get in it. Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for. Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler. Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate. It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything. I have seen the truth and it makes no sense. To live forever, acquire a chronic disease and take care of it. Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism. If you think that there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind for the blame. One-seventh of your life is spent on Monday. The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets. =============== Canada has two seasons. Winter and Construction. I used to be sane. I got better. It's not whether you win or lose. It's whether *I* win or lose. Make money fast: don't give it any food. On the other hand... you have different fingers. A true friend sees you make a fool of yourself and knows it's not permanent. Bull behind a tapestry: you can't see the taurus for the frieze. Yes, I get funny looks. I like funny looks. A smile is a curve that can set a whole lot of things straight. Don't drive me crazy -- it's within walking distance. A belly button is for salt when you eat celery in bed. A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose. Ability is a good thing but stability is even better. Air is water with holes in it. All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door. All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound? All I ask is to prove that money can't make me happy. All rights left. All lefts reserved. All reserves removed. All removes right. An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible. Are dog biscuits made from collie flour? Cats took many thousands of years to domesticate humans. Consider what might be fertilizing the greener grass across the fence. Death is the one experience that we cannot put in perspective afterwards. Death and taxes are inevitable; at least death doesn't get worse every year. Defeat is worse than death because you have to live with defeat. Democracy is where you can say what you think even if you don't think. Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular. Diplomacy: Saying "go to hell" such that they look forward to the trip. Does the name "Pavlov" ring a bell? Don't undertake vast projects with half-vast ideas. Don't laugh. It could happen. Don't you hate it when life doesn't follow the manuals? Everything in moderation, including moderation. Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else. Fools rush in -- and get the best seats in the house. Good judgement comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgement. Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense. Honk if you love peace and quiet. Hospitality: Making your guests feel at home, even though you wish they were. How many weeks are there in a light year? I think sex is better than logic, but I can't prove it. I used to be lost in the shuffle. Now I just shuffle along with the lost. I will always love the false image I had of you. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted. If ignorance is bliss, why aren't there more happy people? In 1869 the waffle iron was invented for people who had wrinkled waffles. It doesn't matter whether you win or lose -- until you lose. Life is like an analogy. Maintain thy airspeed, lest the ground rise up and smite thee. Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons. Most of us hate to see a poor loser. Rich winners, though, are worse. Nobody can be just like me. Even I have trouble. The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance. They laughed when I said I'd be a comedian. They aren't laughing now. This sentence contradicts itself: no, wait, actually it doesn't. While money doesn't buy love, it puts you in a great bargaining position. Why don't "minimalists" find a shorter name for themselves? Why is "abbreviated" such a long word? =============== I have found a proof of Fermat's conjecture, but Haiku is too short. Q Jim Propp, Department of Mathematics, MIT =============== From "The Zen of Programming" haikus department: I read my e-mail. The project has been cancelled. Purging files, I weep. =============== :P~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ (plbtttt) =============== Our OS who areth in CPU, UNIX be thy name. Thy programs run, thy syscalls done, in kernel as it is in user! Allocate us this night our needed cycles, and forgive us our page faults, as we remove cores of those who seg fault against us. And lead us not into single-tasking, but deliver us from MS-DOS. Amen. =============== The Computer is happy... The Computer is crazy... The Computer wants you to be happy... This will drive you crazy... If you are not happy, you will be used as reactor shielding -- -printed on the back of the box of the role playing game, Paranoia =============== "A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds, adored by little statesmen and philosophers and divines. With consistency a great soul has simply nothing to do." Emerson - essay on Self-Reliance quote from Oxford Dictionary of Quotations 2ed. =============== When I get a little money, I buy books; and if any is left, I buy food and clothes. - Erasmus =============== Nothing is so smiple that it can't get screwed up. =============== "Reintegration complete," ZORAC advised. "We're back in the universe again ..." An unusually long pause followed, "... but I don't know which part. We seem to have changed our position in space." A spherical display in the middle of the floor illuminated to show the starfield surrounding the ship. "Several large, artificial constructions are approaching us," ZORAC announced after a short pause. "The designs are not familiar, but they are obviously the products of intelligence. Implications: we have been intercepted deliberately by a means unknown, for a purpose unknown, and transferred to a place unknown by a form of intelligence unknown. Apart from the unknowns, everything is obvious." -- James P. Hogan, "Giants Star" =============== What is mind? No matter. What is matter? Never mind. -- Thomas Hewitt Key, 1799-1875 =============== Alexander the Great was a great general. Great generals are forewarned. Forewarned is forearmed. Four is an even number. Four is certainly an odd number of arms for a man to have. The only number that is both even and odd is infinity. Therefore, Alexander the Great had an infinite number of arms. =============== Everything depends. Nothing is always. Everything is sometimes. $100 invested at 7% interest for 100 years will become $100,000, at which time it will be worth absolutely nothing. -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love" =============== Another world is mine, that none else see, Cast from a softer, stranger, sweeter mold, Created by some laughing god for me Alone - its colors bright, its textures bold Impressionistic sweeps. I look at trees Like Renoirs, vivid splashes tossed against The towering, thundering, watercolor sease Of sky. New-washed, chalk-drawn - my world - unfenced, Unlined, unsigned, it bears no scars of men. Its velvet folk, androgynous, unflawed, Move with a boneless grace from home to glen. I stand and watch in joyous wonder, awed. I need no spacebound ship, no mystic passes To reach my world. I just take off my glasses. -- Holly Lisle "Minerva Wakes" =============== A Handicap is any condition that prevents or hinders a person from accomplishing an objective that could otherwise be accomplished with no unusual difficulty. =============== How do a hardware engineer, a software engineer, and a systems engineer sound different? The hardware engineer says, "Isn't it shipping yet?" The software engineer says, "Is it shipping already?" The systems engineer says, "Beige... I think I'll paint the case beige..." =============== Now that Fermat's Last Theorem has been proved, we have a benchmark against which to measure the amount of time a project will take. It took about 350 years to prove the theorem, so the most convenient unit is the milliFermat, a little over four months. Example: "Unless we hire more people, this project will take about three milliFermats." =============== "Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline." If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly. If you are codependent, please ask someone to press 2. If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6. If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line while we trace your call. If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press. If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer. If you are anal-retentive, press 3,7,4 (simultaneously), then rapidly press 9,4,5,5,3,Z,7,5,1,#,6,4,*,*. Stand on your left foot and await a response. =============== Counting in Programmer (David Yost, Dave@Yost.com) unix dos trace cat sync sys set awk nohup dec other contenders for "4" - quota, quit ================= _ /| \'o.O' =(___)= U ACK! PTHFT! ================= Today I clothe myself in the strength of heaven; Light of sun, Radiance of moon, Splendor of fire, Speed of lightning, Swiftness of wind, Depth of sea, Stability of Earth, Firmness of rock. - attributed to St. Patrick. ================= Never anthropomorphize computers. They hate that! ================= |\ _,,,---,,_ ZZZzz /,`.-'`' -. ;-;;,_ |,4- ) )-,_. ,\ ( `'-' '---''(_/--' `-'\_) ================= To understand recursion, one must first understand recursion. ================= Decisions of the judges will be final unless shouted down by a really overwhelming majority of the crowd present. Abusive and obscene language may not be used by contestants when addressing members of the judging panel, or, conversely, by members of the judging panel when addressing contestants (unless struck by a boomerang). -- Mudgeeraba Creek Emu-Riding and Boomerang-Throwing Assoc. =============== 6 - Belief without reasoning - Knowledge without character S - Politics without principle I - Science without humanity N - Pleasure without conscience S - Commerce without morality =============== "Two rules to success in life: 1. Don't tell people everything you know." - Sassan Tat =============== Albert Einstein, when asked to describe radio, replied: "You see, wiretelegraph is a kind of very, very long cat. You pull his tail in New York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles. Do you under- stand this? And radio operates in exactly the same way: you send signals here, they receive them there. The only difference is that there is no cat." ======== "It was pleasant to me to get a letter from you the other day. Perhaps I should have found it pleasanter if I had been able to decipher it. I don't think that I mastered anything beyond the date (which I knew) and the signature (which I guessed at). There's a singular and a perpetual charm in a letter of yours; it never grows old, it never loses its novelty .... Other letters are read and thrown away and forgotten, but yours are kept forever -- unread. One of them will last a reasonable man a lifetime." -- Thomas Aldrich ======== In a forthcoming book ("Sendmail: Theory and Practice," Avolio and Vixie, Digital Press, January 1995), we see the following text on that topic: Do not get involved with sendmail. She is an exotic lover, whispering delicious promises in your ear, flashing her dark eyes at you. But she is insane, and will draw you down in to her madness. ======== Fancy algorithms are slow when n is small, and n is usually small. -- Rob Pike ======== In a literature class, the students were given an assignment to write a short story involving the important ingredients - Nobility, Emotion, Sex, Religion and Mystery. One student allegedly handed in the following story: "My god!" cried the duchess. "I'm pregnant. Who did it?" ======== "In Germany they came first for the Communists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Communist. Then they came for the Jews, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Jew. They came for the trade unionists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a trade unionist. Then they came for the Catholics, and I didn't speak up because I was a Protestant. Then they came for me, and by that time no one was left to speak up." Father Martin Niemoeller ======== We demand source because we've been burned too much by its lack, not because we have this desire to add custom hacks to our kernels or utilities. Believe me, we'd all like to run stock systems, straight off the vendor distribution tapes; it'd be significantly less work. But our users have this liking for working systems and prompt fixes for the bugs they find, neither of which the vendors we buy from have been particularly good in supplying. -- cks@hawkwind.utcs.toronto.edu ======== Spellbound I have a spelling checker It came with my PC; It plainly marks four my revue Mistakes I cannot sea. I've run this poem threw it I'm sure your pleased too no. It's letter perfect in it's weigh. My checker tolled me sew. ======== If I have seen farther than others, it is because I was standing on the shoulder of giants. -- Isaac Newton If I have not seen as far as others, it is because giants were standing on my shoulders. -- Hal Abelson In computer science, we stand on each other's feet. -- Brian K. Reed ======== If you understand them, Things are as they are; If you do not understand them, Things are as they are. - Gensha ======== the sand remembers once there was beach and sunshine but chip is warm too ======== I heard two claps of thunder this afternoon. I didn't see the lightning. Well, we hear - sometimes we see. Which doesn't mean the world is or we are. But something is. -William Bronk ======== I am a mother pheasant plucker. I pluck mother pheasants. I am the most pleasant mother pheasant plucker that ever plucked a mother pheasant. I am not the fig plucker, nor the fig plucker's son. But I'll pluck the figs until the fig plucker comes. ======== This is usually said one item at a time, restarting at "one" each time, kinda like "the 12 days of christmas" but in reverse... One red hen. One red hen, two cute ducks. One red hen, two cute ducks, three brown bears ...four running hares ...five fat females sitting sipping scotch and smoking cigarrettes ...I slit six sheets, six sheets I slit, upon six slit sheets I sit. ...Seven Siamese sailors sailing the seven seas ...I am not the fig plucker, nor the fig plucker's son, but I'll pluck the figs until the fig plucker comes. ...Nine cunning runts ...I am not the sox soaker, nor the sox soaker's son, but I'll soak the socks until the sox soaker comes. ======== 1. In any given set of circumstances, the proper course of action is determined by subsequent events. 2. The sooner you fall behind, the more time you will have to catch up. 3. It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious. 4. If a job is not worth doing, it is not worth doing right. 5. Urgency varies inversely with importance 6. No real problem has a solution. 7. When there is no solution, there is no problem. 8. If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail. 9. The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that, you've got it made. 10. It is amazing how long it takes to complete something you are not working on. ======== (\__/) .~ ~. )) /O O ./ .' {O__, \ { / . . ) \ |-| '-' \ } )) .( _( )_.' '---.~_ _ _& =============== Estimated amount of glucose used by an adult human brain each day, expressed in M&Ms: 250. -- Harper's Index, October 1989 =============== The culture of problem solvers, who revel in complexity that makes them needed, won out over the culture of simplifiers, who try to eliminate complexity and move on to other things. =============== Quality is never an accident; it is always the result of high intention, sincere effort, intelligent direction, and skillful execution; it represents the wise choice of many alternatives. =============== "Some people have told me they don't think a fat penguin really embodies the grace of Linux, which just tells me they have never seen a angry penguin charging at them in excess of 100mph. They'd be a lot more careful about what they say if they had." -- Linus Torvalds =============== far off, cat spots bird careful steps, intense focus don't let bird escape =============== God, grant me the Senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, The good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference. =============== May those who love us, love us And those who don't love us, may God turn their hearts And if he can't turn their hearts, may he turn their ankles that we shall know them by their limping ============================================================== Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth and you are the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic friendship,they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated device that is capable of curing all disease, providing an infinite supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire Earth. You decide to: a. Present it to the president of the United States b. Present it to the secretary general of the United Nations. c. Take it apart =============== "The Creed of the Sociopathic Obsessive Compulsive" 1. If anything can go wrong, fix it! (To hell with Murphy!) 2. When given a choice--take both! 3. Multiple projects lead to multiple successes. 4. Start at the top then work your way up. 5. Do it by the book...but be the author! 6. When forced to compromise, ask for more. 7. If you can't beat them, join them, then beat them. 8. If it's worth doing, it's got to be done right now. 9. If you can't win, change the rules. 10. If you can't change the rules, then ignore them. 11. Perfection is not optional. 12. When faced without a challenge, make one. 13. "No" simply means begin again at one level higher. 14. Don't walk when you can run. 15. Bureaucracy is a challenge to be conquered with a righteous attitude, a tolerance for stupidity, and a bulldozer when necessary. 16. When in doubt: THINK! 17. Patience is a virtue, but persistance to the point of success is a blessing. 18. The squeaky wheel gets replaced. 19. The faster you move, the slower time passes, the longer you live. Copyright 1989 by Peter Diamandis. All rights reserved. =============== Feeling Stressed Out? Picture yourself near a stream. Birds are softly chirping in the crisp cool mountain air. Nothing can bother you here. No one knows this secret place. You are in total seclusion from that place called "the world." The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity. The water is clear. You can easily make out the face of the person whose head you're holding under the water. Look. It's the person who caused you all this stress in the first place. What a pleasant surprise. You let them up... just for a quick breath... then ploop!...back under they go... You allow yourself as many deep breaths as you want. There now... feeling better? =============== Oft-times thou feelest like unto a nut, And yet, M'lord, anon, feel'st thou not so. Yon Almond Joy these selfsame nuts doth have, Whereas contrary Mounds doth have them not. -- William Shakespeare, kind of =============== "In biological research, escape from the laboratory is a serious danger... In software development laboratories, hovever, the situation is curiously inverted." - Borenstein =============== "The major difference between a thing that might go wrong and a thing that cannot possibly go wrong is that when a thing that cannot possibly go wrong goes wrong it usually turns out to be impossible to get at or repair." -- Douglas Adams =============== Usenet is distributed network anarchy at its best--- or worst, depending on what is posted on any particular day. --David Fiedler in _Byte_ =============== With a PC, I always felt limited by the software available. On Unix, I am limited only by my knowledge. --Peter J. Schoenster =============== "Here's to the crazy ones, the misfits, the rebels, troublemakers. The round pegs in squares holes, the ones who see things differently. They're not fond of rules and they have no respect for the status quo. You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify or villify them. The only thing you can't do is ignore them, because they change things, they push the human race forward. And while some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius, because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world are the ones who do. Think Different." Apple Computer, Inc. =============== "What is power? Power is communication. Power is no limits, no barriers, no restrictions. Power is fighting stereotypes. Power is proving them wrong. Power is control, independence, confidence. Power is the freedom of expression. Power is Macintosh" - Marlee Matlin for Apple Computer =============== "The computer can't tell you the emotional story. It can give you the exact mathematical design but what's missing is the eyebrows" -Frank Zappa =============== A magazine ran a Dilbert quotes contest. These are actual quotes from managers out there. As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks. (This was the winning quote from Charles Hurst at Sun Microsystems.) What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter. How long is this Beta guy going to keep testing our stuff? E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used for company business. Turnover is good for the company, as it proves that we are doing a good job in training people. This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it. Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule. No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them. =============== "No proper program contains an indication which as an operator-applied occurrence identifies an operator-defining occurrence which as an indication-applied occurrence identifies an indication-defining occurrence different from the one identified by the given indication as an indication-applied occurrence." -- ALGOL 68 Report =============== It is interesting to note that there are only two enterprises in the world that refer to their patrons as 'users.' - Edward Tufte =============== What part of gestalt don't you understand? =============== "kiku wa ittoki no haji | kikanu wa matsudai no haji" Asking a question is only embarrasing just for that moment. Not asking is embarrasing and it will haunt you for the rest of your life. -- Japanese Proverb =============== Kate, when not agnostic, was firmly polytheistic. - Amanda Cross, "Arrie and Jasper" ( a Kate Fansler short story) =============== Laden e-mail runs Bumbling, creaking through the net Sysadmins tremble. -- after Buson (Peter M. Yadlowsky) =============== "Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; begin it well and serenely and with too high a spirit to be cumbered with your old nonsense." --Ralph Waldo Emerson =============== Soldier, if you ain't got the guts to SHOWER beside war heroes that happen to be gay, or share a foxhole, let alone fight and die beside them, you ain't got the guts to defend MY country. And it's just that fucking simple. There ain't nothing that you or Ralph Reed or even Colin Powell can say to change that one simple fact. Any questions Soldier? I didn't think so. Now stop bothering decent patriotic Americans with your whining and go bother Saddam or someone who gives a shit about your sexual insecurities. -- Steve Gardner =============== The purpose of writing is to inflate weak ideas, obscure pure reasoning, and inhibit clarity. With a little practice, writing can be an intimidating and impenetrable fog! Bill Watterson's Calvin =============== Television enables you to be entertained in your home by people you wouldn't have in your home. David Frost =============== "UNIX are quality sectional bookcases, made of solid oak. Open or glass-fronted, in three sizes and three finishes, UNIX gives unapproached flexibility." -- Daily Mail Ideal Home Book, 1951-52 =============== It is not wise to dispute the decisions of the Powers. They have more ways of enforcement than you have of escape. -- Shin'a'in proverb (Mercedes Lackey, "Winds of Fate") =============== Scientific Law: If it wiggles, it's Biology. If it stinks, it's Chemistry. If it doesn't work, it's Physics. =============== =============== =============== =============== =============== =============== ===============