A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

A belly button is for salt when you eat celery in bed.

A bird in the hand gathers no moss.

A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.

A bird in the hand is the best way to eat chicken.

A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose.

A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.

A closed mouth gathers no foot.

A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.

A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

A little greed can get you lots of stuff.

A man who smiles when things go wrong knows who to blame.

A mouse is an elephant built by the Japanese.

A rolling stone gathers smashed objects in its path.

A smile is a curve that can set a whole lot of things straight.

A steak a day keeps the cows dead.

A true friend sees you make a fool of yourself and knows it's not permanent.

A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.

A waist is a terrible thing to mind.

Ability is a good thing but stability is even better.

Adolescence is when children start bringing up their parents.

After all is said and done, a hell of a lot more is said than done.

Air is water with holes in it.

Air Pollution is a mist-demeaner.

All generalizations are false, including this one.

All generalizations are false.

All I ask is to prove that money can't make me happy.

All rights left. All lefts reserved. All reserves removed. All removes right.

All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.

All things being equal, fat people use more soap.

All true wisdom is found on T-shirts.

All wiyht.  Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?

Always remember that you are absolutely unique, just like everybody else.

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

Am I getting smart with you? ....How would you know?

An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.

An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less until he knows absolutely everything about nothing.

An unbreakable toy is good for breaking other toys.

Anything free is worth what you pay for it

Anything is impossible.

Anything that kills you makes you... well, dead.

Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.

Are dog biscuits made from collie flour?

Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity.

Assassins do it from behind.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Be kind; everyone you meet is fighting a tough battle.

Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

Behind every successful man stands a woman waiting for his job.

Being politically correct means always having to say you're sorry.

Being superstitious brings bad luck.

Better to understand little than to misunderstand a lot.

Birthdays are good for you: the more you have the longer you live.

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

Black Holes Suck.

Boycott shampoo!!! Demand REAL poo!

Bull behind a tapestry: you can't see the taurus for the frieze.

By the time you make ends meet, they move the ends.

C program run.  C program crash.  C programmer quit.

Canada has two seasons. Winter and Construction.

Cats took many thousands of years to domesticate humans.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Clones are people two.

Cloning is the sincerest form of flattery.

COLE'S LAW: Thinly sliced cabbage.

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

Consider what might be fertilizing the greener grass across the fence.

"Criminal Lawyer" is a redundancy.

Daddy, why doesn't this magnet pick up this floppy disk?

Death and taxes are inevitable; at least death doesn't get worse every year.

Death is the one experience that we cannot put in perspective afterwards.

Defeat is worse than death because you have to live with defeat.

Democracy is where you can say what you think even if you don't think.

Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.

Did anyone see my lost carrier?

Diplomacy:  Saying "go to hell" such that they look forward to the trip.

Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me the hell alone.

Does one hand clapping in a forest make a noise?

Does the name "Pavlov" ring a bell?

Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

Don't count your bridges before they're crossed.

Don't cry because its over; smile because it happened.

Don't drive me crazy -- it's within walking distance.

Don't judge a book by its movie.

Don't laugh. It could happen.

Don't squat with your spurs on.

Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.

Don't undertake vast projects with half-vast ideas.

Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time.

Don't you hate it when life doesn't follow the manuals?

Double your drive space - delete Windows!

Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side & a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

Dyslexics have more fnu.

Eagles fly; but weasels aren't sucked into jet engines.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

Earn cash in your spare time - blackmail your friends.

Eat drink and be merry, for tomorrow they may make it illegal.

Editing is a rewording activity.

Energizer bunny arrested, charged with battery.

Entropy isn't what it used to be.

Error, no keyboard - press F1 to continue.

Even if you win the rat race, you're still a rat.

Ever notice how fast Windows runs?  Neither did I.

Everyone is entitled to my opinion.

Everything in moderation, including moderation.

Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else.

Fertility is hereditary. If your parents didn't have any children, neither will you.

Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.

Fool-proof implies a finite number of fools.

Fools rush in -- and get the best seats in the house.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

Four out of five doctors recommend another doctor.

Friends help you move.  Real friends help you move bodies.

Friends may come and go, by enemies accumulate.

Gene Police: YOU!! Out of the pool!

Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in the boat & drink beer all day.

Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

Given a conflict, Murphy's law supercedes Newton's.

Good judgement comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgement.

Ground Beef: A Cow With No Legs!

Happiness comes through doors you didn't even know you left open.

Happiness is merely the remission of pain.

Hard work has a future payoff.  Laziness pays off now.

He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death.

He who laughs last didn't get the joke.

He who laughs last thinks slowest!

Help stamp out and eradicate superfluous redundancy.

Her kisses left something to be desired - the rest of her.

Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

Hospitality:  Making your guests feel at home, even though you wish they were.

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.

How many weeks are there in a light year?

I can always count on my friends to be around when they need me.

I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either.

I can tell you're lying. Your lips are moving.

I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

I don't suffer from insanity.  I enjoy every minute of it.

I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier.

I have all the answers, it's just that most of them aren't right.

I have not yet begun to procrastinate.

I have noticed that the people who are late are often so much jollier than the people who have to wait for them.

I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.

I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.

I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves.

I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying  by.

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

I think sex is better than logic, but I can't prove it.

I used to be indecisive; now I'm not sure.

I used to be lost in the shuffle.  Now I just shuffle along with the lost.

I used to be sane. I got better.

I used to have a handle on life, then it broke.

I will always love the false image I had of you.

I won't rise to the occasion, but I'll slide over to it.

I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac.

I! Finally! Figured! Out! How! To! Punctuate! Kirk's! Sentences!

I'd like to help you out. Which way did you come in?

I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar.

I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing!

I'm not cynical. Just experienced.

I'm not just a gardener, I'm a Plant Manager.

I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got!

If a job is not worth doing, it is not worth doing right.

If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.

If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?

If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.

If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would get done.

If pro is the opposite of con, is the opposite of progress Congress?

If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?

If Walmart is lowering prices every day, how come nothing in the store is free yet?

If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

If you can't laugh at yourself, make fun of other people.

If you can't learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly.

If you don't care where you are, then you aren't lost.

If you drink, don't park; accidents cause people.

If you eat a bowl of antipasta and a bowl of pasta, are you still hungry?

If you ever find something you like, buy a lifetime supply because they will soon stop making it.

If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.

Illiterate? Write today for free help!

In 1869 the waffle iron was invented for people who had wrinkled waffles.

In any given set of circumstances, the proper course of action is determined by subsequent events.

In the beginning, there was nothing. And then it exploded...

Indecision is the key to flexibility.

It does not matter if you fall down as long as you pick up something from the floor while you get up.

It doesn't matter whether you win or lose -- until you lose.

It is amazing how long it takes to complete something you are not working on.

It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.

It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious.

It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.

It's not whether you win or lose. It's whether *I* win or lose.

Join the army, meet interesting people, and kill them.

Just because you're not paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you.

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, "Where the heck is the ceiling?!"

Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and the world laughs louder.

Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control!

Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while.

Life is like an analogy.

Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

Love is a matter of chemistry, sex is a matter of physics.

Maintain thy airspeed, lest the ground rise up and smite thee.

Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.

Make lots of money, enjoy the work, operate within the law: choose 2.

Make money fast: don't give it any food.

Marriage is one of the chief causes of divorce.

Microbiology Lab: Staph Only!

Moderation is good, but boring.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

Money can't buy everything. That's what credit cards are for.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

Money is the root of all wealth.

Money talks... but all mine ever says is good-bye.

Most of us go to our grave with our music still inside of us.

Most of us hate to see a poor loser. Rich winners, though, are worse.

Most people deserve each other.

Murphy's Law only fails when you try to demonstrate it.

My reality check just bounced.

Never hit a man when he's down. He may get back up again.

Never miss a good chance to shut up.

Never put off to tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

Never stand between a fire hydrant and a dog.

Never tell them what you wouldn't want to do.

Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

Never try to teach a pig to sing. It doesn't work and you'll annoy the pig.

Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.

Never wrestle a pig. You both get dirty and the pig likes it.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

No real problem has a solution.

No sense being pessimistic. It wouldn't work anyway.

Nobody can be just like me. Even I have trouble.

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

Nothing is so smiple that it can't be screwed up.

Okay, who put a "stop payment" on my reality check?

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

One-seventh of your life is spent on Monday.

Oops.  My brain just hit a bad sector.

Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune time.

Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops!

Pentiums melt in your PC, not in your hand.

People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.

People will accept your idea much more readily if you tell them Benjamin Franklin said it first.

Pessimists usually get pleasant suprises.

Puritanism: the haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.

Real men don't ask directions.

Reality can be beaten with enough imagination.

Reality is an illusion created by alcoholic deficiency.

Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm a schitzophrenic, and so am I.

Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses.

Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.

Sex is dirty only if it's done right.

Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.

Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last.

Sex is nobody's business but the three people involved.

Shoot all extremists.

Show respect for age. Drink good scotch.

Skydiving... good 'till the last drop.

Smile, it makes people wonder what you're thinking.

Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.

Some drink at the fountain of knowledge... others just gargle.

Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.

Some women get excited about nothing and then marry him.

Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.

Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world.

Sometimes too much drink is not enough.

Statistics show every two minutes another statistic is created.

Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!

Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism.

Take 20 aspirins and you'll feel better, if you wake up.

Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.

Technology is dominated by those who manage what they do not understand.

Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.

The careful application of terror is also a form of communication.

The difference between 'involvement' and 'commitment' is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was 'involved' - the pig was 'committed'.

The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.

The following statement is true. The proceeding statement is false.

The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.

The light at the end of a tunnel may be an oncoming train.

The lottery is just a tax on people who are bad at math.

The nice thing about standards is that there are so many to choose from.

The number of people watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your action.

The other line always moves faster until you get in it.

The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

The reward for a job well done is more work.

The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that, you've got it made.

The secret of the universe is @*&^^^ NO CARRIER

The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up.

The sum of the intelligence on the planet is a constant; the population is growing.

The trouble with life is, you're halfway through it before you realize it's  a do-it-yourself thing.

The world gets a little better every day and worse in the evening.

There are three kinds of people: those who can count, and those who can't.

There are two rules for ultimate success in life. 1. Never tell everything you know.

There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.

There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

There is always one more S.O.B. than you counted on.

There's more than one way to skin a knee.

There's too much blood in my caffeine system.

They laughed when I said I'd be a comedian. They aren't laughing now.

Things are more like they are today than they ever were  before.

This is as bad as it can get - but don't bet on it.

This sentence contradicts itself: no, wait, actually it doesn't.

Thought of the day: Did the Y1K problem cause the dark ages?

Three can keep a secret, if two are dead.

Time flies like an arrow, but fruit flies like a banana.

Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.

Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.

Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.

To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer.

To err is human, to forgive is not company policy.

To err is human. And stupid.

To live forever, acquire a chronic disease and take care of it.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism, to steal ideas from many is research.

Two wrongs don't make a right, but three lefts do.

Urgency varies inversely with importance

Very funny, Scotty. Now beam up my clothes.

Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.

We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.

We could learn a lot from crayons: some are sharp, some are pretty, some are dull, some have weird names, and all are different colors . . . but they all have to learn to live in the same box.

We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?

We learn from history that we do not learn anything from history.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

What is a "free gift?"  Aren't all gifts free?

What is another word for synonym?

What's right or wrong depends on which end of the food chain you're on.

When in doubt, give advice.

When there is no solution, there is no problem.

When there's a will, I want to be in it.

When you're trying to make an impression, the chances are THAT is the impression you will make.

Which is the non-smoking lifeboat?

While money doesn't buy love, it puts you in a great bargaining position.

Who is General Failure and why is he reading drive C?

Why do people who know the least know it the lowdest?

Why don't "minimalists" find a shorter name for themselves?

Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.

Work fascinates me. I could sit and watch it for hours.

Work is a fine thing if it doesn't take too much of your spare time.

Work is the curse of the drinking class.

Yes, I get funny looks. I like funny looks.

You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.

You can't tell which way the train went by looking at the track.

You don't have to agree with me, but its quicker.

You have a right to your opinions. I just don't want to hear them.

You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person.

You're never too old to learn something stupid.

You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.

Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an idiot!